The birth of the Red Closet
Morgana ( 5 years old ) is sitting by her window, watching the night change to grey, contemplating the glimpse of daylight. “It’s time to explore.”- she says in her head, as she spots a black cat, sitting on the fence, licking it’s paw, swaying it’s tail back and forth in slow motion, surrounded by a big bush of wild roses . She can’t resist the temptation to say hello, as the cold floor on her feet activate her spine . Morgana walks slowly to the kitchen thinking to herself, “Kitty Cat must be hungry.” She didn’t even bother to stop by her parent’s bedroom, she had a mission. Her tiny hands struggled to open the frigdge, once she succeded she fell back onto the floor and let out a chuckle, she stoped herself from busting a laughter with both hands. Cold sweat dripped from her forehead. Half of her body goes inside the fridged moving, searching. “Wala! Peanutbutter will do.” she thought. Morgana walks out from her dark home with the jar bigger than her face. “Here, kitty, kitty.” she whispers as her feet grasps the wet, cold grass. The cat looks at her, lifting it’s body as a demonstration of a want of human affection. Morgana gets closer and closer, the aroma of wild roses get stronger, the cold and silent air flows around her hair and white sleeping gown. ” You must be hungry, here.” She sets the jar on the grass, twists the lid open and carelessly throws it. She uses her index finger to get the peanutbutter and gets it close to the cat. The cat sniffs, sits back and stares at her. ” Peanutbutter is good for you.” Morgana licks the peanutbutter from her finger and dips it back again to offer it to the cat. Suddenly, the cat growls but not at her, it’s hair raises up, it’s back curves, claws grip the fence, teeth and eyes shine brighter than Morgana’s curiosity. The cat sat still looking straight at the wild roses, the wind stops. Morgana, is paralized from the cold and burning hot fear that pumps her heart, going straight to her throat. Morgana can’t close her eyes, she stares and stares at a man with no face, hidding behind the firery red roses. His long arms drag to the floor, legs creep out in a abnormal position and a haunting laughter almost so silent, emerges in her insides, blocking any sense of reality and takes her away to the nothing. This is Morgana’s introduction to the void, the experience of dissosiation. Next thing she knows, she is in pain, strugling to get away from the thorns of the fiery and hauntingly beautiful roses. She can’t see, she can only hear the terrifying cry of the black cat from a distance. As her sight comes back, she runs, runs back inside, breathless, lost, not recognizing even her own home. Everything was black, every furniture was shrinking except for her red closet. The last drop of addrenaline pushes her to hide inside. The cry of the cat and the laughter of the man with no face surrounds the closet. She can hear him, breathing near, scratching the door of the closet. Her voice is gone, her heart beat suffocates the chance of yelling for help. “Mommy, daddy.” – She struggles to say. The monster slowly faids away along with the crying cat and Morgana falls in a deep, deep, sleep, falling and falling deeper in the ocean of hopelessness..
She dreams, swimming to the realms of a world unseen in the physical world, where the darkness of the ocean becomes the air that speaks to her. In fetal position, she slowly expands, as a moment of surrender, a moment of being connected to her destiny, a destiny written just for her. As she floats heavenly, the cry of a whale lets her know, it’s time to wake up.
Morgana is me. Hi, Stefani Elaine Casteel Chicas born and raised in Mexico. The red closet is the symbolism of the development of a series of chronic anxiety, borderline personality disorder, drug addiction and self distruction up to my adulthood. Now at 30 years old I have come undon. At 28 years old my physical health began tu decline, undergoing many procedures, doctor’s visits with no clear answer. On 2019 November, a brain MRI scan showed a cyst on my pituitary gland , leaving me completly lost in “Why does it matter anymore? Why should I take care of myself? Why not go down hill, mix drugs, drink until I have random sex, cry myself to sleep and let my body die slowly. I was tired to hear doctors say it was in my hands to help myself heal, but how? Where could I possibly take the courage, find the will to love myself, where could I find the will to live? Even though this diagnosis is not life threatning, there is still more to investigate why I feel so much pain on my left side of my body from head to toe. I was done. On January 2020 my young cousin Christian Mathew killed himself then the pandemic began. I fell asleep, emotionally, phsysically and spiritually. Life was over for me, in my red couch for 5 months. The waves of my childhood, my life experiences, mixed with my cousins death was too much to handle. The bottle of whiskey was not enough to take it all away. I stopped seeing my doctors, my mother was saying goodbye to me as she could see how her daughter was letting herself go. Until, one day, in June 29 th , we talked about my cousin and she said, ” On his letter he said, I am sorry, I love you all but I am ready to be with God.” I woke up in that second, while my cousin was in deep sadness he knew he was worthy of god’s love and at that moment, my world changed. Suddenly, the life I used to live, a life I knew to be the only truth of darkness, hoplessness, loss of faith, suicidal thoughts , self hate, fear and guilt was over. In his honor, I will fight for my life, in his honor I will learn to love myself, In his honor I will confess my wrong doings, in his honor I will pay my debts with courage. In his honor I will save my life. I love you.
It has been almost two months I have chosen to get clean, mind and body, reconnect with my higher power , (GOD), reconnect with my family and those who matter the most. The change has not been easy, there are many things I must clear myself from, especially from my own enemy. Myself. One day karma hits me in the face but when I face it with courage the next day I receive something in return, what I like to call miracles. As i said before, transformation is painful and in this blog you will follow me through this new path I have chosen. There will be dark days, there will be bright stars, heartbreak, joy….but that is life an up and down roller coaster, a wild elephant stumping your way. The question is , how will I handle it now? How will I react? What will I do? Do the same thing over and over again expecting different results or taking that jump to success in every area of my life.
“First bring peace within yourself; then you can also bring peace to others.” – Thomas a Kempis
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28
” In the darkest part of the forest, the spirit shines brightest. ” – Lauren Benson